Letter to Jay

Dear Jay,

where do I even begin? What to say and what to leave out? There's so much I want to say but can't possible relay. You are the best friend anyone could've asked for. You're my rock, my sister, my partner in all things whacky. You've been the greatest thing that ever happened to me in med school. I wouldn't have survived all these years without you. God brought you to Oman, to this specific college for me, and I could never thank Him enough for the gift he's given me. 

What I really want to say to you is that you're my hero. I don't think you realize how strong you are. I don't think you realize how much all your friends admire your determination, even though there have been a dozen ways the universe has stood in your way. You're a fighter, you never give up and if anyone can fight and get through the tough patches, it's you! I truly believe God has GREAT things in store for you. You will become someone amazing, and you'll forget all the minute mishaps that happened along the way because they were worth it. You are someone great as it is, but you're destined for so much more than you can possibly imagine.

Have faith in yourself and have faith in God, because with that you'll go so far. I can see it now, your name in lights and the biggest goofiest smile on your face. If I can envision it, then you sure as hell better envision it! 

Love you to the heavens and back,
Your sister, partner in crime and whack job,
B

The Finish Line

It's almost here. That finish line I've been waiting for the last 7 years. But you know what's funny? I'm not ready. Here I thought that when the day finally comes I'd be looking at the dorms and college, giving it the ultimate "Piss Off! I finally pulled through!" Oddly enough, I'm not feeling it just yet. Less than a month left and I'm going to miss it all.

You start realizing that you're going to miss the miserable looking dorm corridors. You're going to miss those weird fights you get into with the anonymous girl who keeps switching on the corridor lights in the middle of the night when you've OBVIOUSLY switched them off for bed time! (yes, I still live by a bed time!). The horrid bathroom stalls and showers, yeaaaaah, no you won't miss those; but you'll miss the IDEA of them. You begin to see how nice some of the admin people are. And for some odd reason, you begin to really get along with your doctors as if they were long time colleagues. You'll miss those box sized rooms you've lived in for years, the place where you nested and called home. The 4 walled prison that became your safe haven, and that bed that made you sleep like the dead because you always came back exhausted. Most importantly, you'll miss having to live next to your friends 24/7, like a sorority (minus the partying and the fun). You'll even miss the petty girl drama that drove you UP the wall. You'll miss having people that are living the same stress you're in, and get your weird jokes and comments because they GET you! You'll miss it all, even if you started your journey saying "no way jose!"

And there is just one thing med school hasn't prepared you for. They never rehabilitate you into getting back to "normal society". They lock you up in a campus full of future doctors, run by doctors and taught by doctors. The only outside interaction you have are with patients, who talk to you seeking answers because you're a DOCTOR! I mean, who'll get the witty medical jokes I make at dinner parties? No one...if only my friends were around. That's the one thing they haven't taught us. We become so self absorbed with our medical life, we forget there are people who lead normal lives, that have normal human conversations (what's that life like by the way? Enlighten me please?)

All I'm trying to say is that, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm a mixed being of emotions honestly. I will no longer call myself a student. I know most of the people around me have stopped being students years ago, but I'm just getting there. 12 years of school and then 7 years of med school, that's a lot of years of being a student. Even if I'm a junior in the medical field, I'm no longer a student. I'll have grown up responsibilities (oh God I sound like a child! But I'm not! I swear! I'm almost 25!). But all in all, it's a new beginning. A whole new start. A doctor at long last *inshallah* Who'd have thought I'd finally be here, finally looking at that glorious finish line?!

#Batch2015

I Wish I Was Literature

I wish my body was a library, protecting my organs as if they were novels, maps, encyclopedias and scripts. A library in where my biological machinery give rise to a wondrous tale.
I wish the blood that courses through me is made of words, traveling within my veins like sentences stringing together to create a story. 
I wish the oxygen I inhale is a group of letters, and as they pass through my trachea and into my lungs chapters begin to form. 
I wish the carbon dioxide I exhale becomes vivid plots, characters and metaphors readers can love.
I wish the random yawns and breaths I take add punctuation and finesse to my story.  
I wish I was literature; something you are unable to put down and when I end, you wonder if a part of you has forever left.

Rereading the Harry Potter series for the gazillionth time sparked something inside of me I thought I had lost. There are some books that take you beyond your imagination and bring you back to what you love the most. This picture and Harry Potter are the inspiration to this piece. 

Shackled Words

My mind feels like a prison. A place where all my words are locked inside, unable to escape the shackles that keep them within. My voice seems lost, incapable of expressing what my soul wants to set free. I am bound by invisible chains that seem to wrap all that I am into nonexistence. My words are wandering the valley that is my mind, an empty stranded land where inhabitants seem to vanish. My thoughts have lost their way out into this world, and unto this paper. I am but a blank face staring at a blank white page. I stop here. My mind has set a few words free. That is more than I had hoped for. Its a start, paved for a few wavering thoughts to come out of their hiding place and wander the world as they should. 

Taken for Granted

My heart is raging with a fury I can not describe.
It is pounding with the ferocious sound of hurt.
It beats to a rhythm of bewildered frustration. 
It wants to explode with the sheer cruelty of people's actions.

Honestly, I can't seem to write anything beyond those lines. My hands tremble with the frustration that's coursing through my veins. I usually ignore it when I'm mistreated. I usually let it slide when people seem to forget that I have feelings. I let it be when others take me for granted because I have always been the strong one; the one that can control her feelings; the one who's strong enough to withstand people's ways of oblivious neglect.

Well, I am human. I feel emotions like every other human being. I hurt like humans, and guess what I also cry like humans when they feel like they've been wronged. Some forms of cruelty know no bounds. Some forms of cruelty become so hurtful that even the strongest of us can't stand the betrayal. You let it slip once, then a second time, and probably another thousand times; yet you never dare speak of how much it hurts. Well, I am human, and I can only handle so much. 

It takes me by surprise when they are so blind to what they are doing. It shocks me that it's so normal for them to do what they do. It leaves me dumbfounded to see that it has NO effect on them. Nothing. Not a whisper of guilt; not even an inkling of it. No "I'm sorry", no forewarning, not even the strength to talk to me straightforward. Nothing but cowardly ways of enlightening me of their betrayal. 

I am taken for granted. No, my feelings are taken for granted. My strength is taken for granted. I may be able to handle a LOT of what you throw at me, but there are days when even I have my moments of weakness. I am in a vulnerable state, and they are so blind to it that it has me gaping at their audacity. 

No guilt. No remorse. Nothing. Like nothing even happened. That, more than anything in the world, is what kills my spirit. That everything I want, say, or even do is of little significance to them. I am strong, and I can handle so much, but there comes a point when my heart weeps for the unjust ways it has been treated. It can only take so much; I can only endure so much. They know nothing of the ache they've caused, nor the lump that is stuck in my throat, nor the unshed tears that well up in me; they no nothing and they will never know anything. A vicious cycle never to end.

Impasse

I am at an impasse. I stand at a point where stubbornness over thrones logic. What I cannot fathom is that I have no desire to let logic rule once more. What troubles me is the realization of the truth and my lack of desire to correct what should be rectified.

I am at an impasse. I am unable to move. No, I am UNWILLING to make the effort to move. I stand by this overwhelming desire to be the stubborn fiend that I am. I cannot shake it; I cannot amend this character flaw in me. I am unwilling to be of any good use to you when I am consumed with being this tenacious.

I am at an impasse. I lack the courage to be the voice of reason. I lack the desire to help when you need me to be unbiased and logical. I have been that rock of reason and logic for many years; I yearn for it no more.

Therefore, I am at an impasse. I will be selfish. I will be no help to anyone. At this very moment, I will continue to be stubborn. I will feed my greedy soul what it wants; I will keep that narcissistic part of my soul fed well, full belly and all.  Let it gnaw at the flesh of reason until it becomes nothing but ignorance and confusion.  

Let me continue to stand where I am. Let me rot here until I find my way back. Let me be trapped at this point until I can see clearly and see the path to logic once more. But until that moment comes, I will stay at this impasse.

You'll be Alright

I am unable to formulate the words I need to say.

Saying the words aloud would mean that they are true.

And at this very moment I do not want the truth.

I want the delusional denial that makes it hurt less.

I want the ignorance; the lies in my head that help me sleep at night.

How do I say goodbye?

How does one say goodbye to the friend that became family?

The fear of not having them around; of going through a life when they’re not constantly there is a fearful life to live.

And yet, circumstances have made this fear a reality.

A reality I am not prepared to bear; to live; or even comprehend.

And yet, I am at standstill.

To wish them good luck and to tell them it’ll all be alright.

Words I speak to comfort them and hope to God it can comfort me.

I can’t be selfish; for them I must stay strong.

But what can I do when all I want to do is breakdown and tell them to stay.

I try not to be selfish; truth be told I am selfish.

I want to shield my vulnerability, but that would mean to not be there.

I want to run away and not face the truth; and yet I must be the rock.

So to them I say I hope all your dreams come true.

To them I pray that life brings you all the joy you deserve.

To them I wish that they never feel the pain they’re feeling right now.
It’ll be okay and you’ll be alright.