Yesterday was a gloomy day. It felt like it was one hit after the other. I never knew what it'd be like to lose a patient. It's only the beginning of our clinical years and I already felt like a zombie walking around the wards.
2 days ago, a friend of mine and I took on a case of an 80 year old man who was admitted with acute MI. He seemed like he was stable when we saw him; he was talking to us normally giving us his history. His grandson (who is in his early 20s) was with him all the time, providing us with any extra information he has and taking care of his grandfather. The grandson was the one complaining about his grandfather losing his appetite. He made sure to feed him from time to time and it was the cutest sight ever. We did our part, presented our case and all seemed normal.
And then yesterday happened. After the morning report we started the rounds; we went from bed to bed in the male ward. We came to the last few beds, and there was our patient; pale and pulseless. The doctor calls out his name, shakes him to respond; nothing. Suddenly everyone was running around; CPR, defibrillator, CPR; nothing. My friend turns to me, eyes wide open, hands covering her mouth, in shock, whispering "It's him! Its our patient!" And all we could do was watch as the doctors tried to bring him back. But there was no use, nothing seemed to work and all I could think of was "Oh lord, where's his grandson?!" I looked around frantically trying to see if he was anywhere near by; not sure what I wanted to tell him. Is it better he stays away, not witnessing this horrible sight? Or is it better he's here, knowing what's going on rather than coming back to see that his grandfather had just passed? There was no better option, there never is.
He eventually came back, right after the doctors called it. The look on his face; my God, I couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand there to see his eyes widen and look around frantically; pleading with his eyes that it isn't true. With our heads down, we walked away; leaving him with the doctor in charge, explaining what happened. We see him rush to his grandfather's bedside, calling out to him, shaking him; trying to wake him up. After a few minutes he stopped, put his head down on his grandfather's chest and cried. All we heard as we were walking out was the sobbing and him repeating "no no no no."
I couldn't bear it; I couldn't look his way, because had I done so, I'd have made things worse with my eyes filled with tears. All that was going through my mind was "How can I do this on a regular basis? How can I face it?" I don't know if it ever gets better; not even sure whether it's ok for a doctor not to feel SOMETHING when a patient passes away...
The day didn't get better, it went downhill from there. 2 other patients passed away. Only hours from each other. The ward was down and depressed all day. We were all off; it was just too much for one morning. One of the interns walked off saying "This was a bad day, just a bad day. Nothing went right..."
Same day, at around 4:30 PM we heard of a horrible car accident. A car went off the side of the road on the mountain side, 5 young guys inside. 2 passed away on the spot, 3 were rushed to the ER. That same night, 1 of the 3 passed away. The remaining 2 are still in critical condition...
...God give the families of those who lost loved ones the patience to stay strong, the courage to pull through and the faith in knowing that we all have our time to leave this world. Amen.
2 days ago, a friend of mine and I took on a case of an 80 year old man who was admitted with acute MI. He seemed like he was stable when we saw him; he was talking to us normally giving us his history. His grandson (who is in his early 20s) was with him all the time, providing us with any extra information he has and taking care of his grandfather. The grandson was the one complaining about his grandfather losing his appetite. He made sure to feed him from time to time and it was the cutest sight ever. We did our part, presented our case and all seemed normal.
And then yesterday happened. After the morning report we started the rounds; we went from bed to bed in the male ward. We came to the last few beds, and there was our patient; pale and pulseless. The doctor calls out his name, shakes him to respond; nothing. Suddenly everyone was running around; CPR, defibrillator, CPR; nothing. My friend turns to me, eyes wide open, hands covering her mouth, in shock, whispering "It's him! Its our patient!" And all we could do was watch as the doctors tried to bring him back. But there was no use, nothing seemed to work and all I could think of was "Oh lord, where's his grandson?!" I looked around frantically trying to see if he was anywhere near by; not sure what I wanted to tell him. Is it better he stays away, not witnessing this horrible sight? Or is it better he's here, knowing what's going on rather than coming back to see that his grandfather had just passed? There was no better option, there never is.
He eventually came back, right after the doctors called it. The look on his face; my God, I couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand there to see his eyes widen and look around frantically; pleading with his eyes that it isn't true. With our heads down, we walked away; leaving him with the doctor in charge, explaining what happened. We see him rush to his grandfather's bedside, calling out to him, shaking him; trying to wake him up. After a few minutes he stopped, put his head down on his grandfather's chest and cried. All we heard as we were walking out was the sobbing and him repeating "no no no no."
I couldn't bear it; I couldn't look his way, because had I done so, I'd have made things worse with my eyes filled with tears. All that was going through my mind was "How can I do this on a regular basis? How can I face it?" I don't know if it ever gets better; not even sure whether it's ok for a doctor not to feel SOMETHING when a patient passes away...
The day didn't get better, it went downhill from there. 2 other patients passed away. Only hours from each other. The ward was down and depressed all day. We were all off; it was just too much for one morning. One of the interns walked off saying "This was a bad day, just a bad day. Nothing went right..."
Same day, at around 4:30 PM we heard of a horrible car accident. A car went off the side of the road on the mountain side, 5 young guys inside. 2 passed away on the spot, 3 were rushed to the ER. That same night, 1 of the 3 passed away. The remaining 2 are still in critical condition...
...God give the families of those who lost loved ones the patience to stay strong, the courage to pull through and the faith in knowing that we all have our time to leave this world. Amen.
Amen. That made me full on cry. That's so horrible, and it's made even worse by the fact that there's nothing we can do. We chose a career that always keeps us close to death, but just remember that it also means we're close to lives being saved, and new lives being brought into the world. The pain of losing a patient will always be the same, but you'll get stronger and eventually you will get used to it and you'll be able to tolerate it. I'm so sorry you had to go through that :(
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