Run Away

Let's pack our things and leave. Let's take what we need the most and find some place far away. Let's drop everything and go. It's the constant war I have with myself. Every day! How can one want something so bad and not go for it? How can I not do what my body, soul and mind are DYING to do?

Can I do it? Can I drop every aspect of my life and just walk away? God, sometimes I shout WHY NOT?! Leave medschool, pack my bags, get a ticket and just go. Go somewhere far away, and start all over again. Start fresh from scratch. Be someone else, and live it differently. I wonder if it's medscool, or maybe it's just everything. Did I make the right choices? Did I get it right? Or have I made the biggest mistake of my life? I feel like I should have the answers by now. I've got this far into medschool and here I am, doubting every decision I've made.

Take me away, save me; someone, anyone, please SAVE me. Is anyone even listening? Does anyone even know? Do they even understand? I want to leave, I want to leave everything behind. To leave and not look back; to walk away and feel no regret; to wake up and see a different world. 

Will I walk away at last and start fresh? No. Will I regret waking up tomorrow and finding myself confined within the same four walls? Yes; indeed I will. But that is not enough reason to push me to drop everything and run away. We fight. We push on. We struggle to get to a better place. Running away is the easy way out, but life was never meant to be easy. 

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

I was wrapped in darkness. I was lost within my head.

Immobilized by the thought of despair and frustration.

With my head to the ground, I was a soulless body roaming this earth.

Not a hint of light was in sight.

I was trapped within the walls I created.

I was lost. I was no where near the light.

Falling; I was falling further and further into the pit of my own misery.

Not once was I able to find the light; drifting as far away as I could.

My sanity, my being, my humanity...slowly pulling away from my soul.

I try to escape this maze of confusion, but it is all in vain.

I am the creator of my own maze; nothing is blocking my way.

I am blocking the light; I stand before the only exist out of this crazy maze.

I am my own worst enemy.

There are times where I get stuck in a rut. There are days where getting up is the most difficult thing to do. There are moments when the pressure gets so insane that all I want to do is curl into a ball and sit in a corner. Medicine is hard; and some rotations will suck the life out of you more than others. And there are some doctors who bring you down; belittling you. I don't easily get affected by others; but there comes a time in your life when enough is enough and you break. That's how I felt for a while; and I was stuck. I didn't know how to get out. I didn't know how to pick myself up and go on. 

We all have ups and downs; sadly in medicine there are more downs than we'd like to ever encounter in our life time. But it's ok, we can always get up. Life doesn't stop; it only waits for you to get up and smell the coffee. 

And I'm BACK!!!

P.s. Blogger went crazy and deleted this post, but I'm putting it back #Humf 

The Lookalikes in the Hospital

You know when you see a face, and you know they look exactly like someone you know or someone famous?

I have seen two faces like that in the hospital. I literally have to stop and stare at how FREAKISHLY similar they are to the people in my mind. Mind you, both lookalikes resemble creepy people. I think I stare out of sheer fear...heh heh heh...

Lookalike #1:
We're posted in the Pediatric ward right now, and in every morning report there's a doctor that's always sitting right across us. The way he stares at the girls is just down right disgusting. I can't walk past him without feeling like I've been stripped out of my clothes with his eyes *YUCK*...
If you were a dork and watched Heroes, then you'd definitely remember Sylar. The bad dude that killed people by cutting open their heads and stealing their abilities from their brains? Yeaaaaah, remember him? Lookalike #1 looks JUST like him and he stares at us JUST like Sylar does! 

That's the face! That's the look we get EVERY DAY! *shudders*

Every time I see his face, or see him looking my way; I walk the other way fearing for my life. All I can think of is: how in God's name is he a pediatrician?? I mean, isn't it creepy for children to have him look at them with that look?!?! *shudders*

Lookalike #2:
Back in my previous posting, we were in the Medical ward. There were two new training doctors with us. They seemed nice enough; decent, helpful lads. Until they smiled...lord almighty their smiles! HAHAHA! No no, don't get me wrong, they weren't attractive smiles; no they were creepy yet funny smiles. Being the anime fan that I am, their smiles reminded me of the Titans from Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titan). All that was missing was the look of hunger and them running like weirdos to fit the description...HAHAHAHA! They literally looked like this: 

Cuz looking at this isn't CREEPY at all?!

They walked around the wards with that HUGE smile in their face! I'm all for smiling; I'm a smiler myself...but I mean, some smiles are just too creepy; with a lot of hidden meanings behind them. Tell me that isn't scary...I mean really, just imagine it!

Let's see as I move from ward to ward what lookalikes I'll find. I've found 2 so far, 3 more to go! Yes, I realize I sound like a weirdo judgey person; but I see what I see, and I correlate. Plus, it keeps me interested. Keeps the hospital somewhat entertaining..and funny for that matter! Who knows, maybe someone looks at me and thinks I resemble someone; and maybe, just MAYBE, someone thinks I look creepy or scary...I doubt it, I mean I'm too cute! (with a whack-job hidden inside my brain)...but again, who knows? 

Keep a look out for lookalikes around you; you'll have a great laugh! *sadly, at the expense of other people* #MyBad xD

Adios peeps!

P.S. I know that titan face looks creepy, please try to erase it from your mind so you can go to bed in peace. 

Blessed: A Word We Often Forget

We forget sometimes to sit back and count our blessings. We take the simple things we have for granted and never realize how lucky we are for having what we have. One thing I know I am truly blessed with was being able to find the most amazing group of friends in this crazy, mad, and insane place we call medschool. I was fortunate enough to meet people that like what I like; that understand me; that feel like family; friends that make me feel at home, no matter how far away I was from my own family. But because of medschool, we've all been scattered around different years and campuses. Even with that I've managed to make life-long friends; ones that crossed the line of friendship and have become family. I spent some of the best few days in a looooong time this weekend. I decided to visit my friends, and I must say...they brought a smile to my face and made me laugh so hard I had tears; something that I haven't done in a while. 

There's not much I want to say, just that my soul is content. Words wouldn't be enough to describe how happy they made me feel. I can not put into words the amount of joy they bring into my life; I may not say it enough to them, but they are the source of my happiness when all things seem like they are so close to crumbling...

..Talk about a sappy post!!! Jeeeeeeez! How about we end it now, before I regret being such a GIRL! But, honestly...if there are people out there that make you feel like you are so blessed to even have met them, HOLD ON TO THEM! You only meet people like that once in a lifetime, do not let go and make sure you make the effort. You don't want to spend your days regretting the silly things you could have avoided. 

Now I shut up.... 
Ciao beautiful people =)

Survival of the Inner Beast

We all have that inner beast within us. The one that lashes out when needed. The dark creature that lurks within the covert corridors of our brain; whispering sinful deeds for us to act out or just implanting devious ideas within our souls...

...all of that sounds dark and ominous but in truth all of that is what I see on a daily basis in medschool. Ever since we started our clinical year, everyone wants to shine; everyone wants to mark their presence. Mind you, I have nothing against that. You need to do whatever you can to stand out; that's the way it works in medschool. It's a competition like no other; grueling mental assault against one another; stepping on people to get where you want to get. It's the survival of the fittest; but in our case it's the "Survival of the Inner Beast". 

I have never seen people hate on each other, work to make someone look bad, or even just stepping on someone's shining moment just to be praised and acknowledged. I do agree that you have to compete in medschool, it's how it is. But there are ways to go about it; there are honorable ways to compete (yes, I totally had a Japanese principle of life moment...deal with it). There are ways better than making someone look bad. How about you just work on being really good, without bringing someone down? Why break people, when medicine is already doing that for you?! It's cruel and inhumane.

It's a harsh world we live in, and it saddens me to see that future doctors act this way towards their classmates and colleagues. It says a lot about the kind of person you are, and the kind of doctor you want to be. 90% of being a good doctor, is being kind, compassionate and understanding towards people's feelings. The best doctors are the ones that make you feel safe and good; not necessarily the ones with the most knowledge. 

I have seen girls cast away a girl for being smart and somewhat of a teacher's pet. I have seen girls talk horribly about a guy that just didn't know how to handle a child; and I have seen people make snide remarks at people's mishaps. And there I stand, just watching people's true nature unfold before my very own eyes. I stand there listening to what they say and I draw myself far away from all the negativity. I make sure I do not get sucked into their vortex of backstabbing and insensitivity. 

To be honest, what I'm doing; the ability to shut people out..that's the survival of the inner beast. Not the ones that bring others down; but the one that knows how to fight back with a calm mind. I hope people remember that karma is a BITCH. What you do to others, will be done to you. Better watch your backs...

Inner Beast!

Gaara!

This is a continuation of my last post. I was so heartbroken with Gaara being dead; I was sulking for days! Then the show listened to me and brought me Gaara back <3 So let's take a look at some pictures of that beautiful episode where my soul got a warm fuzzy feeling. 

This part was my all time favorite <3

This part made me so happy I broke into a fit of tears

The look of surprise on his face...awww Gaara, everyone wanted you back <3

Now that I got this out of my system, I may rest in peace! Although, if this is only going to get worse...beware, you'll be reading a lot of Naruto posts.

I'm off, I gotta sit my gluteus maximus down and get some studying done! Apparently, I've got an end rotation next week *gulp*

Dweeb Alert: Gaara can't be gone!

I'm a dweeb at heart. No matter how old I get, I'll continue being the dweeb and dork that I truly am. It's part of my SOUL, imbedded within every fiber of my being. Every cell, molecule and all that crap...it's written "DWEEB". Back in my teenage years, I used to be a major anime fan. Used to watch it for hours on end. Highschool came, and I moved back home from the States and I sorta just stopped watching altogether. Until recently...

I started watching Naruto (took me long enough right?!) and I'm in the first few episodes of Shippuden. I'm all psyched about this because everyone is saying A LOT of stuff happens. We understand this whole Jinchuuriki story...basically, it's just getting epic! The first plot line of the show is Gaara bein kidnapped. Keep in mind that even in Naruto when Gaara was disliked by most people, I loved him! Something about him then was so sad and it just tugged at my heart. Same as Naruto; but with Gaara, it was because he was evil trying to figure out why he does what he does. He has a special place in my heart. But then, he was kidnapped and my gut was telling me something bad is going to happen. I kept praying, please no no no no no! Not Gaara </3

My gut feeling was right; something bad happened to Gaara. They started extracting the Bijuu from him and I was hoping Naruto and the gang would get there in time to save him. They were too late...

</3 :'(

No one understands how much that killed me. I stopped there in the episode and just stared. Endlessly. I'm hoping that something happens and they bring him back. I mean...its Gaara. This is just so cruel. I can't get over this scene; GAARA!! My sister tells me that this is nothing; that crazier and more heart wrenching scenes are coming up and all I can think of is: how will I survive?! With me, anime characters are like book characters. They have a special place in my heart. People may find it weird; but I fall in love with my fictional characters, I get happy when good things happen to them and I mourn when something awful happens, as much as I would for people.

And with that I'll stop. Staring at that picture hurts my soul in ways I can't describe *sigh*