Shackled Words

My mind feels like a prison. A place where all my words are locked inside, unable to escape the shackles that keep them within. My voice seems lost, incapable of expressing what my soul wants to set free. I am bound by invisible chains that seem to wrap all that I am into nonexistence. My words are wandering the valley that is my mind, an empty stranded land where inhabitants seem to vanish. My thoughts have lost their way out into this world, and unto this paper. I am but a blank face staring at a blank white page. I stop here. My mind has set a few words free. That is more than I had hoped for. Its a start, paved for a few wavering thoughts to come out of their hiding place and wander the world as they should. 

Taken for Granted

My heart is raging with a fury I can not describe.
It is pounding with the ferocious sound of hurt.
It beats to a rhythm of bewildered frustration. 
It wants to explode with the sheer cruelty of people's actions.

Honestly, I can't seem to write anything beyond those lines. My hands tremble with the frustration that's coursing through my veins. I usually ignore it when I'm mistreated. I usually let it slide when people seem to forget that I have feelings. I let it be when others take me for granted because I have always been the strong one; the one that can control her feelings; the one who's strong enough to withstand people's ways of oblivious neglect.

Well, I am human. I feel emotions like every other human being. I hurt like humans, and guess what I also cry like humans when they feel like they've been wronged. Some forms of cruelty know no bounds. Some forms of cruelty become so hurtful that even the strongest of us can't stand the betrayal. You let it slip once, then a second time, and probably another thousand times; yet you never dare speak of how much it hurts. Well, I am human, and I can only handle so much. 

It takes me by surprise when they are so blind to what they are doing. It shocks me that it's so normal for them to do what they do. It leaves me dumbfounded to see that it has NO effect on them. Nothing. Not a whisper of guilt; not even an inkling of it. No "I'm sorry", no forewarning, not even the strength to talk to me straightforward. Nothing but cowardly ways of enlightening me of their betrayal. 

I am taken for granted. No, my feelings are taken for granted. My strength is taken for granted. I may be able to handle a LOT of what you throw at me, but there are days when even I have my moments of weakness. I am in a vulnerable state, and they are so blind to it that it has me gaping at their audacity. 

No guilt. No remorse. Nothing. Like nothing even happened. That, more than anything in the world, is what kills my spirit. That everything I want, say, or even do is of little significance to them. I am strong, and I can handle so much, but there comes a point when my heart weeps for the unjust ways it has been treated. It can only take so much; I can only endure so much. They know nothing of the ache they've caused, nor the lump that is stuck in my throat, nor the unshed tears that well up in me; they no nothing and they will never know anything. A vicious cycle never to end.

Impasse

I am at an impasse. I stand at a point where stubbornness over thrones logic. What I cannot fathom is that I have no desire to let logic rule once more. What troubles me is the realization of the truth and my lack of desire to correct what should be rectified.

I am at an impasse. I am unable to move. No, I am UNWILLING to make the effort to move. I stand by this overwhelming desire to be the stubborn fiend that I am. I cannot shake it; I cannot amend this character flaw in me. I am unwilling to be of any good use to you when I am consumed with being this tenacious.

I am at an impasse. I lack the courage to be the voice of reason. I lack the desire to help when you need me to be unbiased and logical. I have been that rock of reason and logic for many years; I yearn for it no more.

Therefore, I am at an impasse. I will be selfish. I will be no help to anyone. At this very moment, I will continue to be stubborn. I will feed my greedy soul what it wants; I will keep that narcissistic part of my soul fed well, full belly and all.  Let it gnaw at the flesh of reason until it becomes nothing but ignorance and confusion.  

Let me continue to stand where I am. Let me rot here until I find my way back. Let me be trapped at this point until I can see clearly and see the path to logic once more. But until that moment comes, I will stay at this impasse.

You'll be Alright

I am unable to formulate the words I need to say.

Saying the words aloud would mean that they are true.

And at this very moment I do not want the truth.

I want the delusional denial that makes it hurt less.

I want the ignorance; the lies in my head that help me sleep at night.

How do I say goodbye?

How does one say goodbye to the friend that became family?

The fear of not having them around; of going through a life when they’re not constantly there is a fearful life to live.

And yet, circumstances have made this fear a reality.

A reality I am not prepared to bear; to live; or even comprehend.

And yet, I am at standstill.

To wish them good luck and to tell them it’ll all be alright.

Words I speak to comfort them and hope to God it can comfort me.

I can’t be selfish; for them I must stay strong.

But what can I do when all I want to do is breakdown and tell them to stay.

I try not to be selfish; truth be told I am selfish.

I want to shield my vulnerability, but that would mean to not be there.

I want to run away and not face the truth; and yet I must be the rock.

So to them I say I hope all your dreams come true.

To them I pray that life brings you all the joy you deserve.

To them I wish that they never feel the pain they’re feeling right now.
It’ll be okay and you’ll be alright.

Bittersweet

There are times where I feel like I'm a horrible human being. That I need to be told off for being so selfish. Is it normal for me to feel somewhat sad and upset when I hear other people's good news? Does that make me a bad person? Does that say something about me? Am I a bad friend?

The past few months have been such good months for my friends and relatives and I'm truly happy for them. But there's a part of me, a constant voice inside my head telling me "well look at that? They got it before you did! Isn't that funny?" The good news that have been happening are all the things I've been hoping for myself. It feels like the universe is rubbing it in my face and saying "how long will you last till you finally crack?!"

I feel petty, and I don't want to feel this way! I hate it! It's a pathetic feeling; its a horrid feeling! It's disgusting that a part of me doesn't rejoice fully to all the good in their lives! Their happiness should be MY happiness. But why doesn't it feel that way? Why do I feel like I've been left stranded at an empty street as it rains heavily?

It all seems bittersweet to me; be happy for them and a little sad for myself. I believe that God gives you what's best for you and all in due time. My time has not come, its all a matter of when. But there will always be a voice in my head telling me "you're prepared, so why isn't it happening?" Yes, I may feel like I'm ready for what I want, but God will always know if I'm truly ready. 

Its all a test; testing my patience. And maybe all this wait will make those good moments so worth the wait. It will always be easy to say that you believe in "all good things happen to those who wait"; but saying and actually believing are two different things. 

Run Away

Let's pack our things and leave. Let's take what we need the most and find some place far away. Let's drop everything and go. It's the constant war I have with myself. Every day! How can one want something so bad and not go for it? How can I not do what my body, soul and mind are DYING to do?

Can I do it? Can I drop every aspect of my life and just walk away? God, sometimes I shout WHY NOT?! Leave medschool, pack my bags, get a ticket and just go. Go somewhere far away, and start all over again. Start fresh from scratch. Be someone else, and live it differently. I wonder if it's medscool, or maybe it's just everything. Did I make the right choices? Did I get it right? Or have I made the biggest mistake of my life? I feel like I should have the answers by now. I've got this far into medschool and here I am, doubting every decision I've made.

Take me away, save me; someone, anyone, please SAVE me. Is anyone even listening? Does anyone even know? Do they even understand? I want to leave, I want to leave everything behind. To leave and not look back; to walk away and feel no regret; to wake up and see a different world. 

Will I walk away at last and start fresh? No. Will I regret waking up tomorrow and finding myself confined within the same four walls? Yes; indeed I will. But that is not enough reason to push me to drop everything and run away. We fight. We push on. We struggle to get to a better place. Running away is the easy way out, but life was never meant to be easy. 

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

I was wrapped in darkness. I was lost within my head.

Immobilized by the thought of despair and frustration.

With my head to the ground, I was a soulless body roaming this earth.

Not a hint of light was in sight.

I was trapped within the walls I created.

I was lost. I was no where near the light.

Falling; I was falling further and further into the pit of my own misery.

Not once was I able to find the light; drifting as far away as I could.

My sanity, my being, my humanity...slowly pulling away from my soul.

I try to escape this maze of confusion, but it is all in vain.

I am the creator of my own maze; nothing is blocking my way.

I am blocking the light; I stand before the only exist out of this crazy maze.

I am my own worst enemy.

There are times where I get stuck in a rut. There are days where getting up is the most difficult thing to do. There are moments when the pressure gets so insane that all I want to do is curl into a ball and sit in a corner. Medicine is hard; and some rotations will suck the life out of you more than others. And there are some doctors who bring you down; belittling you. I don't easily get affected by others; but there comes a time in your life when enough is enough and you break. That's how I felt for a while; and I was stuck. I didn't know how to get out. I didn't know how to pick myself up and go on. 

We all have ups and downs; sadly in medicine there are more downs than we'd like to ever encounter in our life time. But it's ok, we can always get up. Life doesn't stop; it only waits for you to get up and smell the coffee. 

And I'm BACK!!!

P.s. Blogger went crazy and deleted this post, but I'm putting it back #Humf